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Bachmann Turn Tail Overdrive

Today came the news that Michelle Bachmann was not going to run for another term in Congress come 2014. Incidentally, it was also announced today that Ms. Bachmann has a court date in Iowa. I tend to shy away from writing about politics. Talking about politics is another matter, but writing about it gives me no satisfaction. With this story, however, as I listened to news segment after news segment today, I thought not about conservatism, Tea Party shenanigans, Creationism vs. Evolution, Muslim Brotherhood infiltrating top echelons of our government, a veritable who’s who list of anti-American politicians in Washington (read: anyone who doesn’t fall into goosestep with Bachmann and her Tea Party types); instead, I kept thinking about statistical possibilities.

The voice of reason in my house is my fiancée. As for me, I linger somewhere between lefty liberal agenda and fair weather anarchism. So, when Michelle Bachmann announced that eight years is enough I balked at her public service announcement while my other half say it was for the best because Bachmann could never win a higher office (i.e. the Presidency). We went back and forth about how sincere the PSA by Bachmann was and we both agreed that sincerity and PSAs by politicians rarely go hand in hand. I was convinced (and I still am) that this was this oldest trick in the book that goes like this: by virtue of announcing that one is through with politics they are in essence readying themselves for a higher calling than the office they serve. Welcome to the Doublespeak Dome.

Anyway, back to statistical probabilities. I stand by my position that Michelle Bachmann and the statistical probability of her running for President (provided she gets past her date with the law in Iowa) is greater than my chance of getting hit by a bus and but less than the chance that we are living in a computer-generated holographic universe, perhaps one of many–not that we get to live in more than one, but that there may be more than one universe created not by the God Bachmann believes in but by some savvy techie nerd sitting in his room right now scratching his balls and contemplating how it may be time to reformat the old hard drive but that would mean wiping out the universe/universes he’s created and in essence obliterating life, such as it can be defined, as we know it; likewise, the chance that we will see the release of a Bachmann 2.0 is greater than my chance of winning the lottery (which reminds me I have to check the tickets in my wallet in case, you know, I am a winner) but less than my chances of being assassinated by a Syrian good squad.

My fiancée thinks I am crazy. To wit, I say nay. Crazy is Michelle Bachmann calling the gay and lesbian lifestyle as and I quote “personal enslavement.” Crazy is stating something about waving a “tar baby” in the air, whatever that means, and calling on “the media” to perform an in-depth expose about Congress and finding out who’s “pro-American” and who’s “anti-American.”

One last statistical probability: The chance that Michelle Bachmann and Sarah Palin will retire to the wilds of Alaska or Wyoming (don’t ask. It’s the first state that came to mind) and live out their days as a same-sex couple is equal to or greater than the probability that I will be picked for a one-way mission to Mars where I will be among the first Earthlings to be buried on alien soil when my time is up. In other words, the future is anyone’s guess.

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